"Next time walk, you might lose some weight you fat fuck."

I had just dropped off in Harrison from the airport and was heading back to the airport on a Sunday night.  I had travelled halfway down Majura Road when they threw me a radio job.  I wasn't sure whether to accept but decided to take a chance that it was a good job.  The job was from Gunghalin Lakes Sports Club - very unlikely to be a good job.  It took me about 15 minutes to get back there and when I did I regretted accepting the job.  A large, overweight 40 year old bloke got in and said "Where the fuck did you come from?  I've been waiting 20 minutes.  What kind of service are you operating."

I apologised for the delay and explained where I had come from.  He had either lost a great deal of money on the pokies or something but this guy was in a foully. He went on about how fucked the taxi industry is and how we rip people off with our extortionate fares.  I tried to explain that we only earned $12 an hour on a Sunday night and that was the cost unless we were going to be subsidised by the Government.  He said I was a bullshit artist and that cabbies were rolling in it.  By this stage we had got to his house - clearly a short fare.  He paid the $6 for the fare and told me where to go.  He got out of the cab and walked five metres.  I wound down the window and said, "Instead of waiting 20 minutes for a cab, why don't you walk home.  You might lose some weight you fat fuck."  I put the car in gear and burnt some rubber as I sped off. 

“Don’t mean to insult you mate, but yeah, cabbies are the little people”

It was a quiet Tuesday night.  I sat there on Alinga Rank in the city for two hours waiting for a fare.  I wondered what alcohol fuelled or drug fucked individual I would be taking home.  All of a sudden two suits emerged from around the corner.  “Great,” I thought, “At least I will be taking someone who is actually going to pay me home.”

They hopped in and asked to be driven to Kingston.  One of them commenced the conversation with the usually line of “How’s your night been?” 

“Okay.” I replied.  I didn’t request the next line, one of the customers just proffered it to me.

“We’re lawyers.  But despite the fact that we’ve made it, we still know how to talk to the little people.”  I was a little bit taken aback by this and wasn’t quite sure what he meant by “little people.”

“And just who are the ‘little people’.  Cabbies?” I queried.

“Don’t mean to insult you mate, but yeah, cabbies are the little people.”  I thought about this for a moment and then went on a little diatribe.

“You’re about 26 years old mate.  For the next three to four years you’ll work, shag beautiful women both here and abroad and take a promotion at work.  When you are 30 you’ll marry a trophy wife who is as materialistic as Kim Kardashian and as stupid as Paris Hilton who marries you not because she loves your heart and soul but because of your social status as a lawyer and the fact you drive an Audi A4.  But you feel like a king when she is walking hand and hand with you on Franklin Street in Manuka so you don’t mind.  You have a couple of kids and things start to get ugly when she wants to drive an Audi Q7 but you can’t afford it because your firm hasn’t promoted you.  That promotion goes to a 26 year old female up and comer stunner who is fucking the managing partner.  Meanwhile, your wife leaves you for a stockbroker who drives an Audi A8 and takes the kids with her.  And it is at that moment that you realise we are all little people, struggling for the perfect life, the perfect career, the perfect relationship, the perfect friends and the perfect family.  We are all little people struggling to find the meaning to this life.”

The lawyers were speechless.  We sat in silence for two minutes.  Then I decided to play “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins to further fuck with their heads.

Sex and Taxis

Sex is one of the greatest mysteries.  Is it for recreation or procreation?  It is a great recreational activity that you can do with a lover, leaving you with a short term natural high.  And it can implant a son or a daughter that can lead to a lifetime of joy and fulfilment.  I’m no sexologist philosopher or scientist but I think it is both for recreation and procreation.

Sex and taxis often go hand and hand.  The average punter mostly catches taxis when they are full of alcohol.  Alcohol, as Shakespeare said, increases the desire for sex, but not the performance.  It is easy, therefore, to see the link between sex and taxis.  

People rarely have sex in taxis, at least that is my experience.  However, making out or French kissing is as common in taxis as an Indian is driving one.  Steve in TX13 hates it.  He can’t stand it.  As soon as he hears make out noises coming from the back, he pulls over and lectures them:

“Hey, you two, how would you like it if you were me having to listen to you two make out?  It aint fair (fare) people.  Stop it.  I don’t care what the fuck you do when you get home but while you are in my taxi you can just hold hands.” 

Personally, I think Steve is being a little over the top.  That first make out in a taxi could be the beginning of a fruitful and long lasting relationship.  He could be stamping out love by his actions.  Maybe they don’t make out in a taxi not realising that that they were both great kissers, sober up by the time they get home, and end up sleeping in separate beds.  

I’m fascinated by people making out in taxis.  Nine times out of 10 it is a couple who met that night and the guy (and it can be the girl) has picked up.  I give each of them a rating out of ten.  In most cases the guy is about a 3 out of 10 and the girl is at least an 8 out of 10. From what I can surmise, the women are attracted to confident and wealthy men, no matter their looks.

Moving on to the final story.  It is about a former taxi driver who is now a taxi company employee belting on about the etiquette of being a taxi driver.  Once I tell the story you will understand why when I hear him belting on about etiquette, I find it a little hard to take his bullshit.  One time this taxi company employee, whom I’ll call Gary, picked up a teenager from Civic who asked to be driven to Tuggeranong.  She told Gary that her Mum would pay for the fare when they got to Tuggeraong.  When they got to Tuggeranong, the Mum came out and said she didn’t have any money but would let Gary feel her tits for the fare.  The Mum wasn’t exactly a MILF so Gary refused and counter offered with a request for a shag.  The Mum agreed and Gary shagged that Mum who smelled of cheap bourbon and cigarettes for the fare.

Window-washer wars

We called him "the wizard" because that is essentially what he looked like.  He had greying hair with a grey beard and was as thin as a chicken bone.  He had claimed the prime window washing spot at the intersection of Barry Drive and Northborne Avenue.  You would see him there regularly, rain, hail or shine.  Unfortunately, his health had started to deteriorate over the course of 2013 and he ended up using a walking stick and shedding 10kgs from his already skinny frame.  He had a partner - she didn't look like much chop - a probable meth addict by the way she looked.  At one stage she was pregnant but I never saw her bring her baby down to where he worked if she did have it.  She used to swear at him and carry on whenever she was down at the traffic lights.  I'm not sure what the problem was - maybe he wasn't making enough money.  It is with great sadness that I reveal the wizard has passed away.  His death has begun a turf war, a battle to claim the prime window washing spot at the intersection of Barry Drive and Northborne Avenue.

Steve in TX13 said he saw these two blokes fully going at it at the wizard's old spot, smashing each other with their window washers.  He said it was like two bears fighting for territory or an attractive female mate.  As is what usually happens in the animal world, the taller guy won out and the smaller guy was left to find some other less fertile territory.  It will be interesting to see who eventually wins the battle for the prime window washing spot.  I'm still yet to figure out how the wizard, given his tiny frame, held on to the spot for so long.

The adidas sandals

You may have seen him at the bus interchange - he has dreadlocks, about 5 foot 10", and carries his backpack around with him.  He is a homeless guy that sits in the corner of the city bus interchange on a Friday and Saturday night while the revellers throw change at him.  He is a protected species - nobody touches him and he lives in relative harmony with the night owls in Civic.  Steve in TX13 had a little incident with him on Friday night.

Last Friday night was massive - Steve had his best night ever in terms of money taken but he still had a few dickheads.  One of these dickheads asked to be taken from Civic to Fyshwick so they could check out the Men's Club.  Much to Steve's annoyance they drank along the way and were just a general nuisance.  To cut a long story short, one of the dickheads left his adidas sandals in the back of the cab and Steve didn't realise this til he got back to Civic.  He thought about returning them and then thought to himself they were dickheads, they don't deserve their sandals back. 

Steve pulled in at McDonald's Braddon, one of the most incompetent McDonald's in the history of McDonald's.  Steve ordered a Grand Angus burger and instead he got a cheeseburger and two apple pies.  Steve then drove into the bus interchange and parked his cab next to where the homeless guy was.  He gave him one apple pie and the adidas thongs and said "Merry Christmas, mate."

Pissing on cars

Doug from outside of Wagga is a character.  He moved to Canberra after his wife landed a very well paying job in the public service.  He sold his farm and absolutely hates Canberra but has to be here because of his wife and kids.  He could have sat and home and been a made man but he choose to go out and do some taxi driving.  Doug hates two things about driving taxis in Canberra: the snobs who ask to be taken to the Hyatt Canberra and the lack on clean and safe public toilets in Canberra.

And you know what happens when you put these two hates together? 

Well, whenever Doug needs to go to the toilet and he is near Civic he swings by the Hyatt and parks his taxi next to an expensive car: a BMW 7 series, An Audi A8 or R8 or a Porsche 911.  He gets out of the taxi and pisses on the driver's side door handle.  He likes to get a full load on there.  But he knows not to piss on Austin Martins.  It will set the alarm off.    

"Take your McBurger, take your Mcfries, and McFuck Off!"

Steve in TX13 had an interesting night on Friday night.  He picked up a male at McDonalds Braddon who asked to be driven to O'Connor.  The guy had some McDonalds with him and was drunk, but still with it.  Steve asked him not to eat the McDonalds in the taxi and the guy reluctantly agreed.  For some reason Steve knew it was going to be a bad fare.  The conversation went a little like this:

Steve: How's your night been?
Male: Crap
Steve: Gee, that's no good.
Male: Women are fucked. Canberra's fucked.  Males are cunts.  It's all just fucked.
Steve:  Gee, mate.  Things aren't that bad.  I think you need to be a little more positive.
Male:  Positive? Nah mate, you can go and get fucked.  You taxi drivers are fucked too.  You don't know the routes, most of you are curry munchers that stink and rip people off.
Steve:  Mate, that's a bit of a generalisation.
Male: Generalisation?  I'm just telling you like it is.  You're a fuck head too.

Steve thought about pulling over and telling him to walk but they were close to the destination so he let it ride.  When they got to the destination, the male pulled out a credit card with pay wave functionality.  Steve tapped in the fare and waved the card.  The transaction went through.  Steve attempted to give the male the receipt but he asked what the fuck he was doing.  Steve said he used pay wave and the payment went through.  The male replied that he had never had that done before and asked to cancel the transaction.  Steve said he couldn't cancel it and that the payment had already been made.  The male started to get angry and demanded he cancel it.  Steve stepped out of the cab and explained that he had pressed the alert button and that the cops would soon be on their way.  The male said he didn't care.  Steve then grabbed his McDonalds with the coke and the male stepped out of the cab.  Steve sized up to the male and the male took a backward step.  Steve then chucked the McDonalds into the bush nearby and then exclaimed "Take your McBurger, take your McFries and McFuck off!" as he hurled his coke down the street.  The male stood there stunned.