Window-washer wars

We called him "the wizard" because that is essentially what he looked like.  He had greying hair with a grey beard and was as thin as a chicken bone.  He had claimed the prime window washing spot at the intersection of Barry Drive and Northborne Avenue.  You would see him there regularly, rain, hail or shine.  Unfortunately, his health had started to deteriorate over the course of 2013 and he ended up using a walking stick and shedding 10kgs from his already skinny frame.  He had a partner - she didn't look like much chop - a probable meth addict by the way she looked.  At one stage she was pregnant but I never saw her bring her baby down to where he worked if she did have it.  She used to swear at him and carry on whenever she was down at the traffic lights.  I'm not sure what the problem was - maybe he wasn't making enough money.  It is with great sadness that I reveal the wizard has passed away.  His death has begun a turf war, a battle to claim the prime window washing spot at the intersection of Barry Drive and Northborne Avenue.

Steve in TX13 said he saw these two blokes fully going at it at the wizard's old spot, smashing each other with their window washers.  He said it was like two bears fighting for territory or an attractive female mate.  As is what usually happens in the animal world, the taller guy won out and the smaller guy was left to find some other less fertile territory.  It will be interesting to see who eventually wins the battle for the prime window washing spot.  I'm still yet to figure out how the wizard, given his tiny frame, held on to the spot for so long.

The adidas sandals

You may have seen him at the bus interchange - he has dreadlocks, about 5 foot 10", and carries his backpack around with him.  He is a homeless guy that sits in the corner of the city bus interchange on a Friday and Saturday night while the revellers throw change at him.  He is a protected species - nobody touches him and he lives in relative harmony with the night owls in Civic.  Steve in TX13 had a little incident with him on Friday night.

Last Friday night was massive - Steve had his best night ever in terms of money taken but he still had a few dickheads.  One of these dickheads asked to be taken from Civic to Fyshwick so they could check out the Men's Club.  Much to Steve's annoyance they drank along the way and were just a general nuisance.  To cut a long story short, one of the dickheads left his adidas sandals in the back of the cab and Steve didn't realise this til he got back to Civic.  He thought about returning them and then thought to himself they were dickheads, they don't deserve their sandals back. 

Steve pulled in at McDonald's Braddon, one of the most incompetent McDonald's in the history of McDonald's.  Steve ordered a Grand Angus burger and instead he got a cheeseburger and two apple pies.  Steve then drove into the bus interchange and parked his cab next to where the homeless guy was.  He gave him one apple pie and the adidas thongs and said "Merry Christmas, mate."

Pissing on cars

Doug from outside of Wagga is a character.  He moved to Canberra after his wife landed a very well paying job in the public service.  He sold his farm and absolutely hates Canberra but has to be here because of his wife and kids.  He could have sat and home and been a made man but he choose to go out and do some taxi driving.  Doug hates two things about driving taxis in Canberra: the snobs who ask to be taken to the Hyatt Canberra and the lack on clean and safe public toilets in Canberra.

And you know what happens when you put these two hates together? 

Well, whenever Doug needs to go to the toilet and he is near Civic he swings by the Hyatt and parks his taxi next to an expensive car: a BMW 7 series, An Audi A8 or R8 or a Porsche 911.  He gets out of the taxi and pisses on the driver's side door handle.  He likes to get a full load on there.  But he knows not to piss on Austin Martins.  It will set the alarm off.    

"Take your McBurger, take your Mcfries, and McFuck Off!"

Steve in TX13 had an interesting night on Friday night.  He picked up a male at McDonalds Braddon who asked to be driven to O'Connor.  The guy had some McDonalds with him and was drunk, but still with it.  Steve asked him not to eat the McDonalds in the taxi and the guy reluctantly agreed.  For some reason Steve knew it was going to be a bad fare.  The conversation went a little like this:

Steve: How's your night been?
Male: Crap
Steve: Gee, that's no good.
Male: Women are fucked. Canberra's fucked.  Males are cunts.  It's all just fucked.
Steve:  Gee, mate.  Things aren't that bad.  I think you need to be a little more positive.
Male:  Positive? Nah mate, you can go and get fucked.  You taxi drivers are fucked too.  You don't know the routes, most of you are curry munchers that stink and rip people off.
Steve:  Mate, that's a bit of a generalisation.
Male: Generalisation?  I'm just telling you like it is.  You're a fuck head too.

Steve thought about pulling over and telling him to walk but they were close to the destination so he let it ride.  When they got to the destination, the male pulled out a credit card with pay wave functionality.  Steve tapped in the fare and waved the card.  The transaction went through.  Steve attempted to give the male the receipt but he asked what the fuck he was doing.  Steve said he used pay wave and the payment went through.  The male replied that he had never had that done before and asked to cancel the transaction.  Steve said he couldn't cancel it and that the payment had already been made.  The male started to get angry and demanded he cancel it.  Steve stepped out of the cab and explained that he had pressed the alert button and that the cops would soon be on their way.  The male said he didn't care.  Steve then grabbed his McDonalds with the coke and the male stepped out of the cab.  Steve sized up to the male and the male took a backward step.  Steve then chucked the McDonalds into the bush nearby and then exclaimed "Take your McBurger, take your McFries and McFuck off!" as he hurled his coke down the street.  The male stood there stunned.     

Capel's pot deal

Capel's in his late sixties, loves his whiskey, beer and pot and regularly drives TX666.  He earned his nickname Capel because of his beloved Mazda Capella, a car he has been driving around for over forty years.  He used to own a pub on Groote Island but had to move back to Canberra after his two main clientele: the indigenous and the miners stopped turning up at his pub.  The miners stopped coming because the mine closed down and the indigenous stopped coming because most of them died due to liver disease.

Before moving to open a pub on Groote Island, Capel used to work for the military police.  To meet him now, a relaxed, loving and caring bloke, you would never believe he was part of the military police.  Back in the 1980s, pot growing was rife around Canberra.  Capel was asked one day to be a spotter for a recognisance helicopter mission conducted by the AFP.  The AFP were using military aircraft to conduct their mission.  It was Capel's job to spot pot plantations and mark them on the map.  While hovering above the airspace outside of Canberra, Capel spotted a decent size pot plantation.  He thought about marking it on his map but then he realised he knew how to get there and get the pot.  He kept silent and didn't mark it on his map.

The next weekend, Capel borrowed his mate's Landcruiser and drove out to where he saw the pot plantation.  He loaded up the back of the Landcruiser with marijuana, a year's supply mind you, and drove back to Canberra.  Before leaving, he left a note: "Sorry mate, pigs were on to you, I saved you.  Had to take my fair share."  Capel's never had a deal like that again, and probably never will. 

The Caltex C!nt

There are plenty of people out there who think that taxi drivers are just a step above used car salesman in order of social status.  I often get a remark "Gee mate, you seem intelligent, why are you a taxi driver?"  The simple answer is because I love it.  Studies have actually shown that taxi drivers use their brains quite frequently during a shift - navigating, working out where the work is, calculating change and chatting with customers.  You actually have to have a degree of intelligence to be a taxi driver.  Dumb fucks don't last long as taxi drivers because they can't figure out how to make money or get abused by customers and don't get paid because they take long routes.

My mate in TX 13, Steve, had an interesting experience one night.  He picked up these two guys in the city and recognised one of them as the night owl from the Gunghalin Caltex who regularly served Steve after a fuel up from a late night shift.  He was thinking that this was going to be a good fare.  But his mate, whom I call ASSHOLE in the back, started to give Steve some curry about his existence as a taxi driver.

ASSHOLE:  Mate, you're a white taxi driver, what the fuck are you doing with your life?
Steve: I actually enjoy being a taxi driver.
ASSHOLE: You enjoy it? Dealing with drunk people, people spewing up in your cab.  You can't be fucking serious.

If you've read my earlier blogs you would realise that Steve in TX13 has a take no prisoners attitude to taxi driving.  I was a little surprised when Steve first told me this story that he didn't pull over and make them walk.  For some reason Steve decided to run with it.

Steve:  Yeah mate, I do.  I really enjoy and I make enough to get by.
ASSHOLE:  Well mate, I'm an APS6 doing really important work in the public service.  What the fuck are you doing with your life?
Steve:  Good for you.
ASSHOLE: Hey Barry (the Caltex C!nt), do you think we can break him?
Barry:  No mate, I don't think we can break him.

Break him???  What a pair of assholes.  How weak a human being to have to be to try and break someone.  Oh, ASSHOLE, you think you've made it as an APS6 employee well I've got news for you.  You are a glorified document filer.  You don't actually do any real work in the APS until you make EL1 level.

And yes, Caltex C1nt, we got plans for you.  We are going to break you.  Nothing illegal.  We are going to make your night a misery.