The crying cricket bat

Actors say you should never work with two things: children and animals.  Well, in my experience, the same goes for taxi driving. Animals are a pest in taxis, they either defecate on the seat or leave hair all over the place and you have to clean it up afterwards.  Children are another story altogether: either they are great or just a pain in the ass.

One afternoon picked up this woman in her thirties with a child about six.  I picked them up in Dickson and they asked to be driven to the city.  The child I immediately assumed was a recalcitrant because he refused to put on his seatbelt even though we were moving.  His mother then ordered him to put on his seatbelt and he started crying, exclaiming that it was uncomfortable.  His mother then said to the boy, “If you don’t put on your seatbelt the taxi driver will get very angry, and you know what happens when people get angry, you get hurt.”

“I don’t care, I’m not putting my seatbelt on.” cried the boy and he continued crying.  At this moment I pulled over, got out, opened the back boot and pulled out a cricket bat.  I opened the boy’s door and asked him “Who’s your favourite cricketer?”

“Michael Clarke” the boy replied.

“I like Michael Clarke too.  He plays a great pull shot doesn’t he?”

“Yes”.  The boy was still crying as he replied.

“Well, if you don’t put your seat belt on and stop crying, I’m going to play a pull shot on your bum and send you all the way back to Dickson.”

With that, the boy stopped crying, put his seatbelt on and waited for me to get back in the cab.  After I put the cricket bat back in the back boot, I winked at the mother and said, “Discipline is free of charge.”

"He's trying to kill me!!!"

One night a group of us taxi drivers were spinning a few yarns at the Airport.  The boys were loving my stories but Greg in TX555 topped it all off with his story.  Greg is an interesting guy, he subsidises his taxi income by speculating on the stock market and he is pretty successful.  He drives an Audi A4 2002 model and I take great joy in pissing on it when I get the chance!  Just kidding.

Greg had been working the Sunday double shift, starting at 4am in the morning and was due to finish at 12am.  It was 11pm and Greg was out at the Airport, he had had a shit day at the office and made next to no money at all.  The last flight was down at 12.30am and Greg decided to stay on despite the fact that he was feeling real tired.  He decided to go buy a red bull from a nearby service station to give himself some wings for his final fare. 

The plane touched down at 12.45am and by the time the passengers had got off the plane it was 1.00am before Greg finally got his fare.  Greg was relieved when the passenger asked to be driven out to the outer suburbs. 

Greg was feeling real tired during the fare; the red bull was beginning to lose its effect.  As he approached a roundabout, he fell into a microsleep, launched over the roundabout, taking out a sign with him along the way, and was jolted back to consciousness as he came back down the other side of the roundabout.  Greg retook control of the taxi and looked at the passenger.  The passenger had turned white and shouted at Greg, "Let me out of the taxi!"

Greg pulled over and let the passenger out.  The passenger got out of the taxi and started walking off.  Greg stayed where he was for 30 seconds trying to fathom what had happened, then he realised that the passenger had left his luggage in the taxi.  He drove after the passenger who was walking along the street and put the window down and called out to the passenger "Hey mate, come here."
The passenger took one look at Greg and started running, shouting at the top of his voice "He's trying to kill me! he's trying to kill me!"

Greg didn't know what to do next but decided to go home and put the suitcase with the items on ebay.  He did this and made $50 which he invested in mining shares, Poisedon Mark II.